3645 BY 29. recording

Sav sensed that something was wrong when he picked me up and he did not argue or press the matter when I said I wanted to practice... But I know it hurt him...

Sitting in the ring it came so easy to me this time as if my inner self knew I needed my sanctuary...

Thinking back on the training, he made things make sense for the first time... I understood... But the closeness is so hard... I love Sav with all that I am and I don't want anyone else... And yet I do but it is not the same...

Okay needing to make sense of this.
1. I haven't fully moved on, I mean it's not been more than a couple of weeks so the closeness can still get to me when I open myself to him, making me vulnerable...
2. The connection between us is undeniable and runs deeper than anything else.
I just need to learn how to handle this... I am thankful that he was strong for me but still...

I need to clear my thoughts... calm my emotions... I need Sav...

3645 BY 28. recording

Hmm I am not sure why Qarthan did not call on me for training yesterday but I sense he is on his ship so maybe he just had other things to attend.

I can't believe that Sav had done all that for me, the training circle was perfect... and beautiful with all the crystals.
The training was different from anything I have tried but I think it went well and for once I relaxed and gave in... maybe because my curiosity stilled my patience...

I promised I would train as much as possible but only when I am safe and well the time spending on the ship while he is on the planet should give me a lot of time for training.

Now I just need to find a way to get permission to go...

It's gonna be hard not following him on the planet... But with what he said I probably wouldn't survive it... At least he let me come along to keep an eye on things for him...

3645 BY 27. recording

Nobody questions my allegiance... And I told him the truth as it would also be the other way around...

I liked that we seemingly don't have to hide anymore... Not sure why we even did?
But this whole thing we him becoming a Lord... becoming everything I hate and fear... But then again is that not what I strive for now? Hating myself for what I must become and the things I must do to get there...

But what of us now?

The training is taking its toll seemingly he pushes me to my breaking point every time to get me to give in to the Force and I am indeed becoming better.. I feel the anger more clearly now... I feel it well up inside even when we are not training...

I think I might have gotten the wrong impression of Savirah and Telvaris though but time will tell... They are his closest friends so I need to give them the bennifit of the doubt.

Im just so confused at the moment and I feel I am loosing my focus...
I wonder if Bart has told him what he overheard... I wonder how he will react...

We didn't meet about that mind training like he had asked of me semmingly the thing with Tel took a lot more time. I came back this morning, I pretended to be asleep, don't know why really. After he started meditating I snug out and came here to the waterfall. I have been running for an hour now on and off, my body trembling with exhaustion but I won't let it get to mee...

3645 BY 26. recording

Last night was incredible on a level i cant even discribe... So intens and all consuming...

The training was hard both physically, mentally and emotionelly. I have never felt such anger and the feeling of giving into it, letting myself drown in its darkness... But I did it... I really did it... And I hate myself for it cause I fear that I will loose myself if i continue on this path...

I meet Savirah and Telvaris and this time I was not in doubt about their relationship. They were like a couple of lovestruck teenagers...
It was hard seeing them like that and having Sav be so distant even though I was the one to said it should be kept a secret...

3645 BY 25. recording

It is still hard having him be so distant but I understand his need for it. It pains be still that I am the reason for his pain but I don't know how I can ever make it up to him and show him how sorry I truly am that I hurt him.

The mediation and focus training didn't go too well thought I really try my best, I just so easily get distracted or bored. He said I am like a small child. He has become a hard but fair teacher. But I miss his more relaxed and playful side, the side I know is in there but seemingly swallowed up by darkness...

Sav was working when I came back, he has been working a lot the last couple of days but I don't blame him for trying to get his mind on something else for a change.
Cause so much has happened...

He is becoming better at controlling his energy when it is but I can still make him loose that control.

His questions has made my mind wander so much lately; what do I want? Where do I see myself in the future?

But is such a future even possible?, could I have that once? I makes me warm and cold inside at the same time...

3645 BY 24. recording

Last night was terrible, I so fear I would loose him. But the outcome was more than I could have hoped for and I am actually looking forward to training with him today.

It hurts me to put Sav in such a possition and maybe I should give him a little more space?

I keep wondering about Telvaris and I dont really understand why. I dont feel jealous cause if he wants someone else then it was not meant to be, though I surely hope to my core that that is not the case and I know they are just friends...

The words I spoke to Qarthan still makes me shiver inside but I know it is the only way to ever really be free so I will fight for it with every breath I have.

And after sweet talking that informant on Kaas, I need to be more alert because he will be out for my blood knowing the magnitude of this trial.

3645 BY 23. recording

I really needed to get out of there. I couldn't stand it... Feeling all miserable inside... I took the shirt ship I could to Kaas.

The last couple of says have mostly been about training though there were some flavors in as well to spice things up... Well not that anything needed spicying but...

My body is starting to protest to the vigorous and hard training and the constant pushing of my limits.

I really like Echon she is so easy to talk to and she does not judge... Maybe someday we can actually have a really conversation without all the cloak and dagger talk.

It had been such a wonderful evening but seeing the two made the blood in my vain turn to ice. Needing to hide... I knew it had to happen sooner or later thought I would much have liked it to be later. It hit me harder than I want to admit especially like this and placing Echons questions about Qarthan just made me tip over.

I am not even sure if he thought about what he was saying and I know it was not meant as I took it but it just all kinda caved in on me.

Wonder what she meant by that romantic sentence?

I keep dreading and hopling that Qarthan will get back soon just so I at least know he is safe...