3645 BY 23. recording

I really needed to get out of there. I couldn't stand it... Feeling all miserable inside... I took the shirt ship I could to Kaas.

The last couple of says have mostly been about training though there were some flavors in as well to spice things up... Well not that anything needed spicying but...

My body is starting to protest to the vigorous and hard training and the constant pushing of my limits.

I really like Echon she is so easy to talk to and she does not judge... Maybe someday we can actually have a really conversation without all the cloak and dagger talk.

It had been such a wonderful evening but seeing the two made the blood in my vain turn to ice. Needing to hide... I knew it had to happen sooner or later thought I would much have liked it to be later. It hit me harder than I want to admit especially like this and placing Echons questions about Qarthan just made me tip over.

I am not even sure if he thought about what he was saying and I know it was not meant as I took it but it just all kinda caved in on me.

Wonder what she meant by that romantic sentence?

I keep dreading and hopling that Qarthan will get back soon just so I at least know he is safe...

3645 BY 22. recording

Last night was amazing but the emptyness kept entering my mind.

I pushed myself to fare again during my training but in stamina is slowly improving. I dont know how long my body will let me keep this up without something more serious than strains and bruises.
And I still need to find someone to sparer with. 

Meeting Darth Xarathis again, him introducing me to another Darth his former apprentice Cain. One can not help but to be somewhat awestruck in his presence.
Bart came and I instinctively grew weary though I was glad to find out that Sav and him were on good terms again.

I cant believe he took me on a date, I felt like back on Alderaan. A shy girl not knowing what leg to stand on.
We went for a romantic dinner on Alderaan. It was strange being back so many mixed feelings.
The the sunset on Mekeb was breathtaking.

My whole body is aching today from all the strain and I think I need to take it a little slow today and maybe try to train in the evening...

3645 BY 21. recording

Okay the sleep deprivation is starting to get to me... My body hurt and I have thrown up more than once from exchaustion...

The pain it feels like my own but I know it is not...

I just couldn't go back last night, this time I really needed to be alone and think. But it was bitchy of me not saying anything to him.. I think I need to make up for that today in some way..

I meet two of the other lords last night on Korriban; Sorene and Kriid... Some young pompous acolyte was being disrespectful towards especially Sorene and it was amusing at first to see him dig his own hole but then it became to much and I stepped in and threatened to cut out his tongue or head if he did not learn his place... Why did i step in? was it just to keep my cover as a good apprentice or did it really annoy me?
Had Kriid not wanted to punish him, himself I am actually not sure if I would have not simply layed action to my words...

Kriid faught him and all of a sudden Darth Xarathis was there at my side. I tried to please him as best possible because with all of this he is the last I need looking ill at me.

He is impressive and frightening... All I hate and fear embodies into one powerful being...

The young acolyte was being a foul but he had spunk I must give him that, but to insult Darth Xarathis when trying to become a member... Darth Xarathis easilly held him in a force chock... Images flashed befor my eyes of the night Qarthan had done the exact same thing to me and for a moment I was unfocused. The young acolyte held some power as he managed to throw a force blast to get free of Darth Xarathis grasp, little good it did him though as it was easilly blocked by Darth Xarathis, but it did manage to knock me to the ground in a brief second before I was back on my feet saber at his throut. Awating Darth Xarathis' orders. To my surprice he was let to live as Kriid wanted to take him as an apprentice and Darth Xarathis only demanded his hand for his insulence.

The others were dismissed but he wanted me to stay behind... Why I am not sure as I was dismissed shortly after?
I just hope it is not because I have displeased him in any way...

Back at the Academy I meet Sorenes new apprentice and Echon came as well as Kriid came back after dismissing his new apprentice as well. Some Darth wanted to have us kill a traitor for him? Like Darth Xarathis would allow some other puny Darth order his powerbase around.

I seems Echon has become Styrks apprentice now? Something is going on but I am just not sure what... Still i am quite curious about this Styrk.

Echon invited me for drinks some day and I really think I am gonna take her up on that...

I miss him terribly... What has happened to me? 

3645 BY 20. recording

This is all my fault... Sav lost his master because of me... Because i cant nor wont betray Qarthan.

I don't even know why it went like it did.. I mean I haven't told Qarthan anything that Sav did not agree to?

I was just surpriced he did not take my life...

When we got back I was overwhelmed with the feeling of Qarthan being hurt almost like it was myself. Sav did something, his hands and eyes glowing to help me focus... But the weirdest part was the sense of pride afterwards... I wonder what he is doing out there... I wonder how lost his is now...

Was this what he was always meant to become? The Sith I fear and hate?

Sav didnt like me training on Balmorra but where better than in a warsone, lots of practice right...
I strained my leg badly but Sav helped afterwards...

But the night helped... the morning and this day...

But it is training time again so...

Ohh and Sav loved ruby, seems I picked right with her...

3645 BY 19. recording

Last night was a mess... again.. it seems to be a recurring theme in my life now...

Sav found me, and the anger he tried to hide from me because of what Qarthan had done to me was unmistakable, but he took my pain away, not all but most of it.
I was a mess, been sitting there in the darkness of the cliff side hiding ever since Qarthan left me, not sure what to do. But how did he find me?

He told him i needed to be alone and he accepted it but... the emptiness when he had gone was just crushing me, i went to his hanger but for the love of the stars I could not get my self to go to him.

He came out and I hid... Afraid that he could sense me...

But seeing him collapse, I could not hide... I was so afraid to loos him too, but there was nothing I could do... I felt so helpless... I am helpless...

I was just about to run to his ship and try to contact Bart in some way, thinking he must know what to do. But then he jolted and I jumped away. A few seconds later he awoke, disoriented but alright. I took him to the ship, made sure he was really alright again and made him tell me what by all of Malachor had happened.

The though I am left with now that he can break at any given time... That I am not strong enough to help him... the feeling of helplessness just growing stronger inside my heart... I need to do something... I cant just sit idly like some pretty thing and do nothing...

I fear and long to see Qarthan again, fear the coldness in his eyes but longing to just make sure he is in some way alright...

Well time to stat training... I should make him proud in some measurement if I pull this off right?
And at least the fighting will make me focus on something else.. Remove the pain and all the mess... if only for a while...

I didnt really sleep at all last night I sense his anger and his pain like it was my own and it just break me inside...

3645 BY 18. recording

*The woman on the recording looks broken down and beaten her voice trembling and a low hush*

All I can see is that look of pain and anger, the anger turning to rage the rage making him loose himself. He could have easily killed me, when he used the force to crush against my body making it hard for me to breath, I though he would. My head flooding with the images from when he killed that slave master that night at the pens.

My head is hurting like nothing I have ever felt and I am sure he has done something to my mind, that pressing pain behind my forehead and the blow to the head from the rocks are the least of the hurt.

I don't know how to survive this it feels like my soul has been ripped to shreds.
I just wanna run away but to what end, he was my life... He still is... Calling me Sith?
He knows how much I despise that word... Nothing has ever hurt me like this... No blade or saber ever cut this deep...

The pain floods everything. For him to look at me like that...

And the coldness in his voice and actions afterwards.

Why did he not just kill me... It would have been better than this but then again maybe that is why he did not...

And what of Sav? Will he try to hurt him because of me? I don't know him like this... He was the monster I see the Sith as but that I never though of his as... before...

Can I ever look into his eyes again, now that he sees me as nothing...

Oh Please Gods just end it now...!

3645 BY 17. recording

I cant belive I did it still not on my own but more... Shaping, moving and removing...

But by the stars it was hard and tiresom...
I know, I had been training all day; stamina, agility and saberism but it seems I need to up my stamina training.

Overhearing Sav and Barts talk before i joined them showed that i can really trust Sav and that made me so happy... But again i am left with more questions? Is Sav suppose to be Barts new host at some point and that ritual what is it for and how is it done?

I still have not been able to reach Qarthan, to much static interference... I am growing impatient and worried...

3645 BY 16. recording

I am so scared for him... Will he be alright...? I need him back, I am not sure I can excist without him...
If I did not have Sav I dont know... I would be falling apart or flying after him.
I didnt sleep at all last night just kept tossing and turning, but he held me all night calming me down.
I havent been able to reach Qarthan since last night so I am slightly out of it...
Yesterday after I finished training I went to Kaas again. It seems Aurrunai has gotten a new apprentice and it seems I am part of his test. I need to be on guard now.
But how can I think of my safety when Qarthan is not back, when he is missing... I need to go find him but I wonder if Sav will help me or try to stop me?

3645 BY 15. recording

I can't deny it any more and I don't wont to.
But how do I tell him?
Will he understand or will I loose him?
I didn't plan this or see it comming, but I have fell that my feeling and our connection was changing, growing deeper if you will, but not as lovers or friends but as a part of myself? Yes it dosen't even make sense to me *smirks*

And now this with Saverris... I made the water of the fall stop, I mean he deliberately made me stop it.

I don't dont feel the same awakening with him more like a surge of power... But the feeling of the force is when it fills me still feels so right...

The intensity is overwhelming and actually frightens me a little but there is no denying it.

*sighs low* Im not suppose to be moody but until all of this is resolved it is hard not to be to some extend...

3645 BY 14. recording

It's almost weird being back. The last couple of days seems more of a blur than anything.

Helping Saverris, killing all those people... I would like to find out more about this Styrk seemingly Barts master...

I don't know where all this is going and all these feelings *sighs* I just don't know what will happen next and how to move on.

I think I'll go back to Kaas, I really like that place... and well still need to find out about the letter if it is really Aurrunai that has tracked me?

Why am I so confused now...?

3645 BY 13. recording

Well it seems I am at his mercy now... I just hope I was right to trust him...

He needed my help with a mission, well actually his master had asked him to bring me and that kind of tipped me off that something was wrong. From that second I did not trust him but I wanted to know where this was going.

Tattooine is really not my kind of place, it makes me miss the green of my home. Meeting Echon Barts other apprentice and way to overbearing for my tast...
Collect blood from those different people for Lord Barts experiments; first I think was a Jedi, second Saverris former master Lord Barts brother.

It took everything for me to stand neutral and just watch. I shut off completely...
When we returned to the ship Bart showed why he wanted me along, he questioned me but he only got what I wanted to give and a life time of lying made it all but to easy.
But the feeling of being trapped and all of them against me... Had I not shut my emotions off I am not sure what I would have done. The returning feeling of being caged, betrayed and helpless, a feeling I had sworn myself never to surcome to again.

I felt the fury rage inside me but I kept it down...

When Bart dismissed me, Saverris asked to take me back and I accepted better than to find my own way back from Tattooine.

I could not keep my cool, I broke but I was not the only one...

I wonder how it will be seeing him again now... I wonder what Bart has said to him and I wonder how this will all fare...

But the insult I will not forget...

3645 BY 12. recording

To say last night was uneventful would be the understatement of the century.

I am still at the ship and every part of my body aches... I have bruises and a couple of scorch marks... Luckily they can be hidden... It looks like it was more of a fight than anything else *grins softly*

But that fight was unbelievable and like nothing i have ever tried before... and it is not like i lack skills in that area... Every part of me seemed alive, tingling with energy... It seems that my energy empowers when he uses his... I need more... But preferably without ending up killing my self...

It did not come as a surprise that Lord Bart does not trust Qarthan, but that he didn't seem to min me "listening in" surprised me quite a bit.

Regarding them talk made me smile at how different each master and apprentice is; The strict Lord Tharn and his playful apprentice Bash'Talu, Darth Xarathis and Savirah, Qarthan and myself and Lord Bart and Legion... Or Saverris as Bart called him. Wonder if this is his real name and he told me that it was of his past and nothing he used, but still Bart called him by this name?

I was unprepared for Lord Barts bluntness and i am sure he did not believe me when i tried to den is claims.

I wonder if the Legion or Saverris as i see is the real or is it the one Bart paints so vividly for me?

Ohh and i found out something really interesting, he doesn't sleep... at all? Well I am indeed learning a lot about a lot of things....

Again an answer spurs more questions *chuckles*

Well ready for round two but I hope he can go a little easier... Nahh I cant take the pain
*winks as she turns the holorecorder of*

3645 BY 11. recording

So Qarthan left to find an old friend. Seems it wasn't as easy as he though to teach me how to open myself to the Force.

He said he would be gone for a week and I was to practice in his absent.
As to the other task concerning Legion I am gonna have to walk a fine line... A very fine line indeed.

I am also looking forward to getting my own place and Qarthan said that he could find something with the appropriate security and anonymity in about a month and that I needed to settle on Nar Shadaa until he could find something more remote as he know I would prefere.

3645 BY 11. recording

The other day i meet with more from the guild. I was introduced to Lord Tharn and his apprentice Bash'Talu I think it was.

Savirah came as an acolyte approced Qarthan wanting to be his apprentice. It all went down hill really really fast as the poor guy insulted Savirah and he dident even realise it.

Long story short his head ended on teh sands fore the academy and his bode at her feet.
Savirah healer Tal somthing came, Qarthan said they might be a couple. It was hard listening to them talk about slaves and superiority and not say anything... But that would have told them to much... would have made them surspicious. I need to stay clear of them but knowing how Legion has it with Savirah I hope this does not complicate things even more.

Wonder what it was he needed to take care of but then again I am curious and that can get me in a lot of trouble.

Qarthan was sweet when we got back seeing how Savirah and Tal talked.

I owe him so much...

But then last night he becomes all weird and distant talking about feeling an urgency in learning me to reach the Force normally and that he thinks that this is his mission... his purpose. That that is why we are conneted.

Telling me I need to learn to reach it without him present so I can live my own life?

Can I ever truly be free of him... Do i even want to...?

We tried to practice the ways of the Force but I couldn't concentrate and I did not understand his metaphors. I quickly lost my focus and I am very persuasive when I want to be...

3645 BY 10. recording

It would be prudent to start with a quote "WoW so this is how it feels" Cause that's how I feel right now...

I did not sleep again but this time it was not for the fear of nightmares or my past but for the present... The future...

I am not entirely sure about yesterday? I mean it seems so unreal...

It may be hard to grasp but I did not see that coming and maybe that makes me naive but then let me be blissfully naive... Just this once?

I think I helped him with his mental relaxation *grins* although not in the way I planned for...
Everything just happened so fast... Well not everything *rolls her eyes in jest* but you know what i mean.

But it is like ever answer spurs a new question. Like every time i think I have him figured out he does something unexpected.
But there were things i indeed perceived correctly.

I am left confused and i am not even sure why...

I think I know know why the Sith are so obsessed with power cause it was like holding onto a lightning rod in a thunderstorm. Knowing that you eventually will get burned... but it was ecstatic.

I really need someone to talk to besides myself... Someone i can confide in and who is not just out to backstab me, but there is no one. I am amongst Sith a fact i must never forget...

We went to Korriban after and found Qarthan and Savih.. by all the darkness in the galaxy I still cant remember her name. They were sparring. It was a much longer and more fierce fight than the one between Legion and I.

I had to use all my focus to hide my emotions and not interfere but after the fight I was surprised to see that Legion hid his emotions so poorly but maybe he wasn't trying to. I wonder what their relation is for him to so openly show concern.

There was a woman there I have not seen before but we were not introduced, Legion left with them and I followed Qarthan back. I was not surprised that he could be so stonefaced and I cannot.
He could sense my frustration, over him being hurt, but his playful nature, when no one else is around, quickly made me forget...

I was so tired after yesterday but sleep would just not take me, making me toss and turn most of the night even though Qarthen tried to make me relax and fall asleep so i am afraid he didnt get much sleep either.

Now lets see what the next couple of days will bring...

3645 BY 9. recording

This day has been a mess... I slept almost the entire night through. The nightmares seem to be less aggressive by each day that passes. And to wake up in his arms almost makes me forget...

I went to Nar Shaddaa where Legion had told me I could find him but that's a very big city. I had put on a dress because of what he said the other day.
It was nice to not hid for a moment and it worked he found me *grins* not sure if it was the dress though...
He took me to some kind of officers bar and we talked more about the fight.
Still was really not looking forward to getting my ass handed to me especially in front of others but this apparently was tradition.
Our talk also landed on more... Private subject and the more i learn off him the more i like him.
He is letting his guard down slightly i feel but i know its not entirely true cause one like him never truly does...
He complimented my dress more than once so I must have had some degree of effect...
What we talked about seems a slight blur wrapped in looks and innuendos. And i am still not sure what he meant with the "good luck" was it "om looking forward to it" or more of a "not gonna happen"?
Well i felt it was time yo leave but as i went to the ships i decided against it again as i didn't want to go back and be locked inside there again. And i knew Qarthah would still be working, left him so he could get a break and actually get something done...

I browsed the market and i clearly felt i was being watched. After walking around the city a bit  to familiarize myself with it, i found myself back at the bar so i decided that i could just as well have another, less colorful drink.
I couldn't help but smile when i heard his voice a couple of hours and different drinks later. There is something pleasant about it.
We talked again and it seems that i am not the only one who has a past haunting me.
It pained me on my own behalf or his I am not sure and I wanted to reach out but restrained myself.
I got his interest peaked it seems but it will be dangerous ground to play such a game, and if i am not very careful ill end up vulnerable...
But the chance to know some of his secrets will be worth the risk...
And helping him with his mental stress will be an added bonus.
He wanted the fighting done tonight so i contacted Qarthan surprised to feel he was already on the planet. And he turned out to be in the bar. I felt slightly indignant. Was he spying on me? Why was he there. I made a mistake and went after him but he didnt seem angry only concerned for my safety. I told him to have faith in me before returning to Legion.
I know we have been parted for two years because Aurrunai captured me and the force prevent that from ever happening again...

We were to meet on Korriban for the fight and afterwards find a more suited place to have our little game, away from prying eyes and walls with ears.
I was nervous about the fight as we meet up at his ship. I changed into something more appropriate for fighting on the way.
As we stepped onto the hot sands of Korriban I felt my heart pound in my chest and the blood pumping in my veins like fire. Every muscle, every fiber was ignited and alert.
Qarthan was there to greet us.

Then it started, i don't remember much in detail, it all happened so fast but my jaw is still hurting.
I cant believe i won... He must have let me... I know Qarthan will say that i underestimate myself and maybe i do... But ill have to ask Legion about it at some point.
I went back with Legion surprised to learn that we were meeting with one of his associates... Interesting to say the least and finding out that he has surgical precession and skill.
I needed a bath the sweat from the fight making my shirt stick to my skin and feeling the sand scratch me every time i moved.

I lend his bath... Letting the water tend my sore face and wash the blood of.
Standing in the shower the images of his scarred chest ran through my mind. Not that i found it repulsive just that we had one more thing in common.
When i was finished and fully clothed again i went back surprised to find Qarthan sitting there.
I don't really know what he was doing there but the tension building between the two was unmistakable.
I could do nothing safe for just sit there and focus feeling the rage burn deep inside, focusing my breath and my mind.

When Qarthan decided to leave i went with him but not before i had talked to Legion and made a new arrangement for tomorrow.
I stood by the bay door for a long time i wanted to go back and finish what i started or at least show that i am true to my word, but i was to unsure if it would make things better or worse at this point... So i did nothing...
I have regretted that choice all night but there is nothing to do about it until later and then i will decide what to do.

When i returned with Qarthan to his ship we talked about why he had been so protective and that it needs to stop as it makes him vulnerable if the wrong people find out.
If he wants me to play the part of his apprentice then he needs to let me play it...
It was clear we wanted two different things that night...

Now lets see what the new day brings...

3645 BY 8. recording

If it was not for the fact that he is Sith and I know what he is capable of I would call this this afternoon normal... We slept until late because of the lack of sleep from last night and though my past still haunted my dreams, I got a fair amont of sleep so I think I can lay of the stempac today...

We stayed in bed until evening just enjoying the pleasures of each other. I am not sure I would call it love but affection and devotion, our connection each time we touch bringing us beyond that.

Qarthan needed more rest than me, seems i wore him out, so I decided to get some air and I found myself taking the shuttle down to the surface of Korriban and walking towards the acadami that was my prison for so long but now holds new prospects as long as I can keep my identity hidden.

On my way i noticed a new aquintance, heard him cursing, and I remembered his voice quite well.

It was the apprentice of Lord Bart that I had meet the other night; Legion. At first I just kept going but something made me turn and walk up to him... Careful Riwien there is definatly more than meets the eye with this one... We talked for a while and I am surprised to say I like talking to him, I like his stoit view on the world and we have more than one thing in common.
He seems at first malicious and grewl but I sense there is more to him under the mask.
I think I will seek him out again soon.

Tonight I also meet the Darth we are under and his apprentice, Darth Xarw... something... better learn it properly before I meet him again. He makes me think of my old master Darth Aurrunai but his apprentice seems very different and I would like to know more of her as I had very little chance to talk with her.

But that will be for another day... 

3645 BY 7. recording

The kiss was euphoric and has left me breathless ever since.

To be in his embrace, feeling his strong arms around me, gripping me wantingly.

I want to scream, to run away and hide but at the same time I want more. So much more...

The night was filled with the horrors of my past.
They all came back, flooding my mind and my dreams.
But for the first time I had an anchor point, a rock to feel safe behind, which made it tolerable.

I awoke bathed in sweat and shivering but feeling his body pressed against my back, his strong arms gripping me tightly... Protectively... It was almost like the nightmare had turned to dreams...

I went to take a bath, washing away the sweat... Washing away the past... If only for a little while.

When I came back he was still sleeping, so I just sat watching him for a while, but I couldn't keep my hands to myself and it grew somewhat intense but nothing happened...

I needed release and we went to the training room. It was the first time we sparred after I was back and I think he was surprised with what I have learned these past two years because I got some very well placed blows through his defenses with my saber. Of course I was not a match but not someone yo underestimate either...
I am glad he did not hold back, that would keep me from learning anything of use to me.
But as we switched the sabers with close combat it began to get more intence again and ended with us forgetting that we were to go to Korriban and meet some of his associates.

I did not like him seeing my scars for no matter how much he tells me I am not ugly, I still feel disfigured because of them.

It was rather late when we finally got to Korriban.

We meet with another lord and his apprentice. I hope I kept up appearances but the cuts on my thighs were killing me...*grins*

The lord seem typically Sith but there was something between them, and something about his apprentice... I was introduced as Qarthans new apprentice Acira

But I forgot all about that when we got back again...

3645 BY 6. recording

I asked if I could stay with him and he said yes. He wouldn't let me sit in the chair but wanted to give me the bed for myself. I couldn't let him do that not when I dont't even sleep.

He is so caring and understanding, so unlike Sith...

He went to bed first and I could change without fear of showing him my back... I waited for a while until I was sure he had gone to sleep before i tip toed over to his room. I moved over to the bed and looked down at him. Again i found myself mesmerized watching him, his crimson skin and toned muscles...

He turned and mumbled in his sleep waking me from my daydream with a jolt. I don't even know how long I had been standing there but it must have been a while cause my entire body ached.
I crawled up on the bed beside him carefully, my heart beating in my chest like a feral rancor. He was spralled over the bed clearly not use to sharing it but i placed myself with my back against the head of the bed and pulled my legs up under me, resting my head on my knees and just watched him.
 I felt a deep peace sitting here and almost dozed of more than once.

When morning was comming and he started to stirre in his sleep, I slipped of the bed but before I turned away I couldn't help myself reach out and gently remove a lock of hair that had fallen down over his eyes. I almost screamed when he mumbled my name and stirred. I ran to my own room and quickly closed the door.

As i stood with my back pressed against the closed door I felt something cool in my hand and looked down to see my lightsaber in my hand.
- Had I brought that with me last night?

Well i must have...right?

3645 BY 5. recording

This is almost unbearable just laying here staring at the ceiling but wanting so badly to go to him... I dare not sleep, the nightmares will come... the darkness... But i wonder how long my body will accept the stimpacks i use to keep me awake... But i need to... I fear the darkness behind my eyes and in my dreams...

I snug over to his room when i heard his low snoring and watching him there... I don't know...

We are strangers again but he acts like nothing has happened and it makes me relax just a little.
After living on guard for two years do i even know how to reconnect with him?

I had forgotten the pull i feel when i am near him... The surge of the force flowing through me...
When our eyes meet in the cantina i knew it was him, but the fear of being taken back clouded everything.

I still cannot understand how I can feel like this for one of his kind... why? I hate everything he stands for, he is a killer... Well what am i now? am i not so much more alike him now?

Darth Aurrunai... Is he still looking for me, i wonder? His darkness makes me shiver even now... but i still have this nagging feeling that he let me escape... but why?

He taught me well. But it is a time i look back on with horror. When he tried to bring the force forth in me.. The torture... He was relentless but nothing helped and i almost died...

I gave in to get free.. I became his pet, his fighter and last his protoge but even though my collar was removed, when he was in a bad mood is wrath came swift and devestating.

I was a good little soldier... All the terrible things i did, just to get the chance to escape...

But watching him now, feeling the force awake inside me... Was it all worth it? I would say yes as i look at him... but...