3645 BY 22. recording

Last night was amazing but the emptyness kept entering my mind.

I pushed myself to fare again during my training but in stamina is slowly improving. I dont know how long my body will let me keep this up without something more serious than strains and bruises.
And I still need to find someone to sparer with. 

Meeting Darth Xarathis again, him introducing me to another Darth his former apprentice Cain. One can not help but to be somewhat awestruck in his presence.
Bart came and I instinctively grew weary though I was glad to find out that Sav and him were on good terms again.

I cant believe he took me on a date, I felt like back on Alderaan. A shy girl not knowing what leg to stand on.
We went for a romantic dinner on Alderaan. It was strange being back so many mixed feelings.
The the sunset on Mekeb was breathtaking.

My whole body is aching today from all the strain and I think I need to take it a little slow today and maybe try to train in the evening...

3645 BY 21. recording

Okay the sleep deprivation is starting to get to me... My body hurt and I have thrown up more than once from exchaustion...

The pain it feels like my own but I know it is not...

I just couldn't go back last night, this time I really needed to be alone and think. But it was bitchy of me not saying anything to him.. I think I need to make up for that today in some way..

I meet two of the other lords last night on Korriban; Sorene and Kriid... Some young pompous acolyte was being disrespectful towards especially Sorene and it was amusing at first to see him dig his own hole but then it became to much and I stepped in and threatened to cut out his tongue or head if he did not learn his place... Why did i step in? was it just to keep my cover as a good apprentice or did it really annoy me?
Had Kriid not wanted to punish him, himself I am actually not sure if I would have not simply layed action to my words...

Kriid faught him and all of a sudden Darth Xarathis was there at my side. I tried to please him as best possible because with all of this he is the last I need looking ill at me.

He is impressive and frightening... All I hate and fear embodies into one powerful being...

The young acolyte was being a foul but he had spunk I must give him that, but to insult Darth Xarathis when trying to become a member... Darth Xarathis easilly held him in a force chock... Images flashed befor my eyes of the night Qarthan had done the exact same thing to me and for a moment I was unfocused. The young acolyte held some power as he managed to throw a force blast to get free of Darth Xarathis grasp, little good it did him though as it was easilly blocked by Darth Xarathis, but it did manage to knock me to the ground in a brief second before I was back on my feet saber at his throut. Awating Darth Xarathis' orders. To my surprice he was let to live as Kriid wanted to take him as an apprentice and Darth Xarathis only demanded his hand for his insulence.

The others were dismissed but he wanted me to stay behind... Why I am not sure as I was dismissed shortly after?
I just hope it is not because I have displeased him in any way...

Back at the Academy I meet Sorenes new apprentice and Echon came as well as Kriid came back after dismissing his new apprentice as well. Some Darth wanted to have us kill a traitor for him? Like Darth Xarathis would allow some other puny Darth order his powerbase around.

I seems Echon has become Styrks apprentice now? Something is going on but I am just not sure what... Still i am quite curious about this Styrk.

Echon invited me for drinks some day and I really think I am gonna take her up on that...

I miss him terribly... What has happened to me? 

3645 BY 20. recording

This is all my fault... Sav lost his master because of me... Because i cant nor wont betray Qarthan.

I don't even know why it went like it did.. I mean I haven't told Qarthan anything that Sav did not agree to?

I was just surpriced he did not take my life...

When we got back I was overwhelmed with the feeling of Qarthan being hurt almost like it was myself. Sav did something, his hands and eyes glowing to help me focus... But the weirdest part was the sense of pride afterwards... I wonder what he is doing out there... I wonder how lost his is now...

Was this what he was always meant to become? The Sith I fear and hate?

Sav didnt like me training on Balmorra but where better than in a warsone, lots of practice right...
I strained my leg badly but Sav helped afterwards...

But the night helped... the morning and this day...

But it is training time again so...

Ohh and Sav loved ruby, seems I picked right with her...

3645 BY 19. recording

Last night was a mess... again.. it seems to be a recurring theme in my life now...

Sav found me, and the anger he tried to hide from me because of what Qarthan had done to me was unmistakable, but he took my pain away, not all but most of it.
I was a mess, been sitting there in the darkness of the cliff side hiding ever since Qarthan left me, not sure what to do. But how did he find me?

He told him i needed to be alone and he accepted it but... the emptiness when he had gone was just crushing me, i went to his hanger but for the love of the stars I could not get my self to go to him.

He came out and I hid... Afraid that he could sense me...

But seeing him collapse, I could not hide... I was so afraid to loos him too, but there was nothing I could do... I felt so helpless... I am helpless...

I was just about to run to his ship and try to contact Bart in some way, thinking he must know what to do. But then he jolted and I jumped away. A few seconds later he awoke, disoriented but alright. I took him to the ship, made sure he was really alright again and made him tell me what by all of Malachor had happened.

The though I am left with now that he can break at any given time... That I am not strong enough to help him... the feeling of helplessness just growing stronger inside my heart... I need to do something... I cant just sit idly like some pretty thing and do nothing...

I fear and long to see Qarthan again, fear the coldness in his eyes but longing to just make sure he is in some way alright...

Well time to stat training... I should make him proud in some measurement if I pull this off right?
And at least the fighting will make me focus on something else.. Remove the pain and all the mess... if only for a while...

I didnt really sleep at all last night I sense his anger and his pain like it was my own and it just break me inside...

3645 BY 18. recording

*The woman on the recording looks broken down and beaten her voice trembling and a low hush*

All I can see is that look of pain and anger, the anger turning to rage the rage making him loose himself. He could have easily killed me, when he used the force to crush against my body making it hard for me to breath, I though he would. My head flooding with the images from when he killed that slave master that night at the pens.

My head is hurting like nothing I have ever felt and I am sure he has done something to my mind, that pressing pain behind my forehead and the blow to the head from the rocks are the least of the hurt.

I don't know how to survive this it feels like my soul has been ripped to shreds.
I just wanna run away but to what end, he was my life... He still is... Calling me Sith?
He knows how much I despise that word... Nothing has ever hurt me like this... No blade or saber ever cut this deep...

The pain floods everything. For him to look at me like that...

And the coldness in his voice and actions afterwards.

Why did he not just kill me... It would have been better than this but then again maybe that is why he did not...

And what of Sav? Will he try to hurt him because of me? I don't know him like this... He was the monster I see the Sith as but that I never though of his as... before...

Can I ever look into his eyes again, now that he sees me as nothing...

Oh Please Gods just end it now...!

3645 BY 17. recording

I cant belive I did it still not on my own but more... Shaping, moving and removing...

But by the stars it was hard and tiresom...
I know, I had been training all day; stamina, agility and saberism but it seems I need to up my stamina training.

Overhearing Sav and Barts talk before i joined them showed that i can really trust Sav and that made me so happy... But again i am left with more questions? Is Sav suppose to be Barts new host at some point and that ritual what is it for and how is it done?

I still have not been able to reach Qarthan, to much static interference... I am growing impatient and worried...

3645 BY 16. recording

I am so scared for him... Will he be alright...? I need him back, I am not sure I can excist without him...
If I did not have Sav I dont know... I would be falling apart or flying after him.
I didnt sleep at all last night just kept tossing and turning, but he held me all night calming me down.
I havent been able to reach Qarthan since last night so I am slightly out of it...
Yesterday after I finished training I went to Kaas again. It seems Aurrunai has gotten a new apprentice and it seems I am part of his test. I need to be on guard now.
But how can I think of my safety when Qarthan is not back, when he is missing... I need to go find him but I wonder if Sav will help me or try to stop me?