3645 BY 10. recording

It would be prudent to start with a quote "WoW so this is how it feels" Cause that's how I feel right now...

I did not sleep again but this time it was not for the fear of nightmares or my past but for the present... The future...

I am not entirely sure about yesterday? I mean it seems so unreal...

It may be hard to grasp but I did not see that coming and maybe that makes me naive but then let me be blissfully naive... Just this once?

I think I helped him with his mental relaxation *grins* although not in the way I planned for...
Everything just happened so fast... Well not everything *rolls her eyes in jest* but you know what i mean.

But it is like ever answer spurs a new question. Like every time i think I have him figured out he does something unexpected.
But there were things i indeed perceived correctly.

I am left confused and i am not even sure why...

I think I know know why the Sith are so obsessed with power cause it was like holding onto a lightning rod in a thunderstorm. Knowing that you eventually will get burned... but it was ecstatic.

I really need someone to talk to besides myself... Someone i can confide in and who is not just out to backstab me, but there is no one. I am amongst Sith a fact i must never forget...

We went to Korriban after and found Qarthan and Savih.. by all the darkness in the galaxy I still cant remember her name. They were sparring. It was a much longer and more fierce fight than the one between Legion and I.

I had to use all my focus to hide my emotions and not interfere but after the fight I was surprised to see that Legion hid his emotions so poorly but maybe he wasn't trying to. I wonder what their relation is for him to so openly show concern.

There was a woman there I have not seen before but we were not introduced, Legion left with them and I followed Qarthan back. I was not surprised that he could be so stonefaced and I cannot.
He could sense my frustration, over him being hurt, but his playful nature, when no one else is around, quickly made me forget...

I was so tired after yesterday but sleep would just not take me, making me toss and turn most of the night even though Qarthen tried to make me relax and fall asleep so i am afraid he didnt get much sleep either.

Now lets see what the next couple of days will bring...

3645 BY 9. recording

This day has been a mess... I slept almost the entire night through. The nightmares seem to be less aggressive by each day that passes. And to wake up in his arms almost makes me forget...

I went to Nar Shaddaa where Legion had told me I could find him but that's a very big city. I had put on a dress because of what he said the other day.
It was nice to not hid for a moment and it worked he found me *grins* not sure if it was the dress though...
He took me to some kind of officers bar and we talked more about the fight.
Still was really not looking forward to getting my ass handed to me especially in front of others but this apparently was tradition.
Our talk also landed on more... Private subject and the more i learn off him the more i like him.
He is letting his guard down slightly i feel but i know its not entirely true cause one like him never truly does...
He complimented my dress more than once so I must have had some degree of effect...
What we talked about seems a slight blur wrapped in looks and innuendos. And i am still not sure what he meant with the "good luck" was it "om looking forward to it" or more of a "not gonna happen"?
Well i felt it was time yo leave but as i went to the ships i decided against it again as i didn't want to go back and be locked inside there again. And i knew Qarthah would still be working, left him so he could get a break and actually get something done...

I browsed the market and i clearly felt i was being watched. After walking around the city a bit  to familiarize myself with it, i found myself back at the bar so i decided that i could just as well have another, less colorful drink.
I couldn't help but smile when i heard his voice a couple of hours and different drinks later. There is something pleasant about it.
We talked again and it seems that i am not the only one who has a past haunting me.
It pained me on my own behalf or his I am not sure and I wanted to reach out but restrained myself.
I got his interest peaked it seems but it will be dangerous ground to play such a game, and if i am not very careful ill end up vulnerable...
But the chance to know some of his secrets will be worth the risk...
And helping him with his mental stress will be an added bonus.
He wanted the fighting done tonight so i contacted Qarthan surprised to feel he was already on the planet. And he turned out to be in the bar. I felt slightly indignant. Was he spying on me? Why was he there. I made a mistake and went after him but he didnt seem angry only concerned for my safety. I told him to have faith in me before returning to Legion.
I know we have been parted for two years because Aurrunai captured me and the force prevent that from ever happening again...

We were to meet on Korriban for the fight and afterwards find a more suited place to have our little game, away from prying eyes and walls with ears.
I was nervous about the fight as we meet up at his ship. I changed into something more appropriate for fighting on the way.
As we stepped onto the hot sands of Korriban I felt my heart pound in my chest and the blood pumping in my veins like fire. Every muscle, every fiber was ignited and alert.
Qarthan was there to greet us.

Then it started, i don't remember much in detail, it all happened so fast but my jaw is still hurting.
I cant believe i won... He must have let me... I know Qarthan will say that i underestimate myself and maybe i do... But ill have to ask Legion about it at some point.
I went back with Legion surprised to learn that we were meeting with one of his associates... Interesting to say the least and finding out that he has surgical precession and skill.
I needed a bath the sweat from the fight making my shirt stick to my skin and feeling the sand scratch me every time i moved.

I lend his bath... Letting the water tend my sore face and wash the blood of.
Standing in the shower the images of his scarred chest ran through my mind. Not that i found it repulsive just that we had one more thing in common.
When i was finished and fully clothed again i went back surprised to find Qarthan sitting there.
I don't really know what he was doing there but the tension building between the two was unmistakable.
I could do nothing safe for just sit there and focus feeling the rage burn deep inside, focusing my breath and my mind.

When Qarthan decided to leave i went with him but not before i had talked to Legion and made a new arrangement for tomorrow.
I stood by the bay door for a long time i wanted to go back and finish what i started or at least show that i am true to my word, but i was to unsure if it would make things better or worse at this point... So i did nothing...
I have regretted that choice all night but there is nothing to do about it until later and then i will decide what to do.

When i returned with Qarthan to his ship we talked about why he had been so protective and that it needs to stop as it makes him vulnerable if the wrong people find out.
If he wants me to play the part of his apprentice then he needs to let me play it...
It was clear we wanted two different things that night...

Now lets see what the new day brings...

3645 BY 8. recording

If it was not for the fact that he is Sith and I know what he is capable of I would call this this afternoon normal... We slept until late because of the lack of sleep from last night and though my past still haunted my dreams, I got a fair amont of sleep so I think I can lay of the stempac today...

We stayed in bed until evening just enjoying the pleasures of each other. I am not sure I would call it love but affection and devotion, our connection each time we touch bringing us beyond that.

Qarthan needed more rest than me, seems i wore him out, so I decided to get some air and I found myself taking the shuttle down to the surface of Korriban and walking towards the acadami that was my prison for so long but now holds new prospects as long as I can keep my identity hidden.

On my way i noticed a new aquintance, heard him cursing, and I remembered his voice quite well.

It was the apprentice of Lord Bart that I had meet the other night; Legion. At first I just kept going but something made me turn and walk up to him... Careful Riwien there is definatly more than meets the eye with this one... We talked for a while and I am surprised to say I like talking to him, I like his stoit view on the world and we have more than one thing in common.
He seems at first malicious and grewl but I sense there is more to him under the mask.
I think I will seek him out again soon.

Tonight I also meet the Darth we are under and his apprentice, Darth Xarw... something... better learn it properly before I meet him again. He makes me think of my old master Darth Aurrunai but his apprentice seems very different and I would like to know more of her as I had very little chance to talk with her.

But that will be for another day... 

3645 BY 7. recording

The kiss was euphoric and has left me breathless ever since.

To be in his embrace, feeling his strong arms around me, gripping me wantingly.

I want to scream, to run away and hide but at the same time I want more. So much more...

The night was filled with the horrors of my past.
They all came back, flooding my mind and my dreams.
But for the first time I had an anchor point, a rock to feel safe behind, which made it tolerable.

I awoke bathed in sweat and shivering but feeling his body pressed against my back, his strong arms gripping me tightly... Protectively... It was almost like the nightmare had turned to dreams...

I went to take a bath, washing away the sweat... Washing away the past... If only for a little while.

When I came back he was still sleeping, so I just sat watching him for a while, but I couldn't keep my hands to myself and it grew somewhat intense but nothing happened...

I needed release and we went to the training room. It was the first time we sparred after I was back and I think he was surprised with what I have learned these past two years because I got some very well placed blows through his defenses with my saber. Of course I was not a match but not someone yo underestimate either...
I am glad he did not hold back, that would keep me from learning anything of use to me.
But as we switched the sabers with close combat it began to get more intence again and ended with us forgetting that we were to go to Korriban and meet some of his associates.

I did not like him seeing my scars for no matter how much he tells me I am not ugly, I still feel disfigured because of them.

It was rather late when we finally got to Korriban.

We meet with another lord and his apprentice. I hope I kept up appearances but the cuts on my thighs were killing me...*grins*

The lord seem typically Sith but there was something between them, and something about his apprentice... I was introduced as Qarthans new apprentice Acira

But I forgot all about that when we got back again...

3645 BY 6. recording

I asked if I could stay with him and he said yes. He wouldn't let me sit in the chair but wanted to give me the bed for myself. I couldn't let him do that not when I dont't even sleep.

He is so caring and understanding, so unlike Sith...

He went to bed first and I could change without fear of showing him my back... I waited for a while until I was sure he had gone to sleep before i tip toed over to his room. I moved over to the bed and looked down at him. Again i found myself mesmerized watching him, his crimson skin and toned muscles...

He turned and mumbled in his sleep waking me from my daydream with a jolt. I don't even know how long I had been standing there but it must have been a while cause my entire body ached.
I crawled up on the bed beside him carefully, my heart beating in my chest like a feral rancor. He was spralled over the bed clearly not use to sharing it but i placed myself with my back against the head of the bed and pulled my legs up under me, resting my head on my knees and just watched him.
 I felt a deep peace sitting here and almost dozed of more than once.

When morning was comming and he started to stirre in his sleep, I slipped of the bed but before I turned away I couldn't help myself reach out and gently remove a lock of hair that had fallen down over his eyes. I almost screamed when he mumbled my name and stirred. I ran to my own room and quickly closed the door.

As i stood with my back pressed against the closed door I felt something cool in my hand and looked down to see my lightsaber in my hand.
- Had I brought that with me last night?

Well i must have...right?

3645 BY 5. recording

This is almost unbearable just laying here staring at the ceiling but wanting so badly to go to him... I dare not sleep, the nightmares will come... the darkness... But i wonder how long my body will accept the stimpacks i use to keep me awake... But i need to... I fear the darkness behind my eyes and in my dreams...

I snug over to his room when i heard his low snoring and watching him there... I don't know...

We are strangers again but he acts like nothing has happened and it makes me relax just a little.
After living on guard for two years do i even know how to reconnect with him?

I had forgotten the pull i feel when i am near him... The surge of the force flowing through me...
When our eyes meet in the cantina i knew it was him, but the fear of being taken back clouded everything.

I still cannot understand how I can feel like this for one of his kind... why? I hate everything he stands for, he is a killer... Well what am i now? am i not so much more alike him now?

Darth Aurrunai... Is he still looking for me, i wonder? His darkness makes me shiver even now... but i still have this nagging feeling that he let me escape... but why?

He taught me well. But it is a time i look back on with horror. When he tried to bring the force forth in me.. The torture... He was relentless but nothing helped and i almost died...

I gave in to get free.. I became his pet, his fighter and last his protoge but even though my collar was removed, when he was in a bad mood is wrath came swift and devestating.

I was a good little soldier... All the terrible things i did, just to get the chance to escape...

But watching him now, feeling the force awake inside me... Was it all worth it? I would say yes as i look at him... but...

3643 BY 4. recording

I cannot describe this night... I could not keep away from him anymore and all the memories of the past and the other lords of the academy was gone...

I felt as if we were meant to be one person and not two, but not a person just force...

I sound silly i know... and for the first time i don't want to go home... i want to stay here with him...

I know i will see him again shortly and it will be good to find out if my family is still alive...
But i cant wait to be back in his strong arms again... well i need to go the sooner i go the sooner i will see him again...

But what of my family... he is Sith after all... they will never understand our connection...